The painful sad truth

Sometimes people hate the truth, and sometimes people like it. In my case, I like the truth at this moment. I prefer to tell the truth to the people that are supposed to know about it. I just can’t… I have not enough courage to express my feelings and my thoughts. Am I a coward?

I always have trouble in telling what I really feel. I am afraid of perceptions. I want to take good care of my image. I’d rather be invisible from people’s sights… I prefer those who can really see, to see me. I do not want those who cannot really see me, to look at me and understand me in a wrong way.

In reality, people don’t really understand you. They will never be in your shoes. Unless, it is the one who you tell all your dirty little secrets. And I still couldn’t found one. I wish I have someone to tell every single problem, and thought that I have, and that person is willing to be a good listener. I am not saying that I’m tired of becoming a listener… But sometimes, I just want to be… heard of…

This simple poem entitled “Sad I Ams” by Trevor Millum can really be understandable by me. It makes sense to me… In my context now. I guess, being a writer is so much fun than being a lecturer or motivator, any kind of people who need to speak. Through writing, I can express things that I want to without getting any feedback. All people do is read, and think. I guess I really am, an intrinsic people… I just have no idea how to put my thoughts into words! I guess I have no talent in speaking or persuading people.

Well, I just don’t know. I love writing ever since I was in my teenage life. I don’t know how to share or express my feelings. I’m too noob for that, I guess… So if I’m writing something for you, believe me, it comes straight from my heart. 🙂

To end this entry, I think this article might helps;

Hope I’ll find the truth at the end of the tunnel!


Final year reflection (Part 1)

#Repost from the draft. Dah jadi pekasam dah. LOL.

I am currently having my semester break. It’s a short one, just for a month. I am freaking out for next week’s practicum. We need to register and proceed with the teaching practice! It’s time to put all the theories into practice, people! Well, that is not so simple. You’ve got to be well-prepared before you can teach. But, as what my friend used to ‘said’ in a whatsapp conversation; “Since we are still in the teaching practice, so it is still considered as learning, isn’t it? It’s just that we don’t need to go to classes anymore.”  As for me, making mistakes is okay, because you are still in the process of learning, but since you are about to have REAL students (this is no longer a normal lecture presentation), you need to be as perfect as possible, make the learning meaningful and purposeful. Your supervisor might give positive or negative feedback and comments based on your teaching style or classroom management. But one thing that you need to remember is never EVER give up. This was what my ‘Teaching Grammar for secondary schools’ lecturer said. You are facing students with ‘weird’ behaviors. Students nowadays are not the same as during our era, seriously. They are acting differently, and might have known things more than you do.

As I was travelling from Kuala Lumpur back to Terengganu, I thought of things that I worried about; my practicum. I’ve started to feel guilty for things that I’ve missed throughout my 3 and a half year studying in campus. So here, I’m sharing this so that you won’t go through the same ‘guiltiness’ as I do. 😉

List of things that I regret on my final year (Before the final semester):

  • I don’t know much.
  • I don’t read a lot (I am too lazy to walk to the library, or even to read books related to my course).
  • I did not practice what I have learned consistently.
  • I didn’t really know people around me; my friends, classmates, roommates, and lecturers.
  • I wasn’t so active in social work (clubs especially. But I did join students’ association which I am so grateful of those experiences & meeting  and working with awesome people around me 🙂 )
  • I did not stay long at school during my School Orientation Programme (SOP). We were supposed to complete a month of practicum at school, observing as well as completing reports. My colleague asked for the lecturers to cut it down for 2 weeks only. I was too excited to stop going to school in which I think there’s no problem for me to stay any longer.

Yes I do

Yeah… Let’s move forward!

Day 1

I tried to sleep early last night, but I couldn’t. I thought too much -what’s going to happen on my first day of practicum? I’ve ironed my baju kurung and hijab, prepared all the documentations, shoes & handbag-all things were ready. But I wasn’t prepared mentally (Well, I always won’t.LOL).


So I woke up the next day, with my two other room mates, who seemed to be having the teaching practicum in the same school with me. Lucky us, another friend drove a car, so we’re able to reach the school earlier. Madam Sharifah advised us to register after 8am since teachers and students will be having an assembly on the first day. You don’t want to stay in the office, waiting, don’t you? 😉 But another friend of mine had a different situation. She got scolded for coming to school at 7.30 a.m. The senior assistant teacher expected her to come on time right on the first day! So here, it depends on the school. Some people called the school’s office and asked for the details a week before they registered. As for my school mates and I, redah je! So long as you have the documentation (official letter from the university). This is so crucial, okay?

We parked the car next to the school gate, walked into the school compound and looked for the main office. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly (since the senior assistant teacher was still new to the school, she just got transferred). We felt so welcomed, most of the teachers gave us a warm smile, asking whether we were new teachers at the school. Most of the English teachers got excited as four TESL students (who will be teaching English language) came into their school and might take away 2 classes (or maybe 1 class from each teacher). Since there were 4 of us, we were divided into 2 different sessions. Alya & I will be having the morning session of the school (7.20 am-2 pm), while another 2, Hazirah unni & Fatin are about to teach the evening session (12.50pm-6.45 pm). In  total, we need to stay at school for 6 hours. Yes. Better than going to classes, isn’t it? At least you’ll be having a more productive day. Hehhe.

A teacher led us to the teachers’ room, and asked us to seat at the leisure area, a place where teachers have their meal, student answering exam paper, and parents waiting for the registration of their children. The school has two different streams; KAA (Kelas Aliran Arab) & KRK (Kelas Rancangan Khas). KAA means students are provided to learn the Arabic language in addition to other subjects. As for KRK students, they only learn normal subjects as other form 1-3 students do. Yes, you need to know the differences & the system of a particular school. Pretty please, ask around, talk to the teachers, or read school magazine. You may also get the school organization’s book and understand the rules of the school. It does helps so that you won’t go against the ‘culture’ or rules of the school itself, and might get scolded (of course you don’t want that). As for me, I am so grateful as I have my course mates to accompany me here and we can seek for each others’ help when one of us is in trouble. Personally, I do not prefer staying alone in a school. SOP’s (School Orientation Programme) experiences had taught me a lot on being independent in a school. Though I did my first practicum in my own secondary school, it’s still so hard to suit yourself to the environment and teachers, who mostly are super super seniors! Haha. You may take my advice or leave it, but I think, being in a group is much better. You’ll be more conscious of what you have to do.

Then, teacher Zuraida gave us our own classroom timetable. All of us got 2 classes, which includes 10 teaching periods per week (5 teaching periods per class). Most of us received form 1 & form 4 classes. However, there are certain cases that they need to teach classes that will seat for PT3 and SPM by the end of this year. So, you cannot be so choosy and just be ready for any future outcomes. Ergh. Sounds quite tough for first-timers like us, but… take it as a challenge yeah?

The timetable (for a time being...)

The timetable (for a time being…)

So I got two teachers as my mentors; teacher Lin (the head of English Department)  & teacher Aisya (which is about to move to another school by next week. *sigh* Why now?).

So here’s how English teachers in my school work; there will be 5 teaching periods, right? So it will be divided into 2TP+1TP+2TP.

Here’s the sequence on how they teach the upper form;

2 teaching periods : Comprehension or summary

1 teaching period : Literature

2 teaching periods : Essay

You might start to wonder; “When’s the time that the students learn grammar? Oh no!”

No worries, we just need to integrate grammar with any of the lessons (writing, reading, etc. *Opens notes*)

Yes, just keep reminding on the grammar structures okay?


Collections of form 1 and form 4 literature components. They seem to be more interesting than during my time… I hope my students read ALL of them. No, don’t just hope. I won’t even read if I’m a student. Somebody got to push me to read. Muehehe

One of my favourite short plays- The Robbery! A funny story of robbers. I laughed a lot while reading this :D

One of my favourite short plays- The Robbery! A funny story of robbers. I laughed a lot while reading this 😀

As for the lower forms, the sequence is just the same. It’s just that they do not have summary as part of their lesson. In fact, they have error analysis in PT3! Yes they do! Just like what we did in our Grammar classes during foundation and degree! *bhahahah!!* Hence, you can replace the summary with teaching grammar, okay? At least they are clear with the rules and have a strong foundation in English, rather than confidently speaking, with wrong grammar… (Oh no, that’s quite shameful).

Teacher Aisyah said my form 1 class would be quite challenging. The boys are quite lazy, and the girls are quite shy. However, don’t underestimate them! Once they open their mouth & start talking, you’ll be amazed with their voice projection. 😀 As for the form 4 class, teacher Lin loves them, because they are good students. I don’t put any estimation, since I haven’t met them face to face yet. I hope they will learn something from me, or teach me something, and cooperate with me. 🙂

It’s funny when you walk around the corridor and heard students whispering to their friends; “Wei, cikgu baru, cikgu baru!”, which I used to do it before, during my time. 😀 Reminiscing my days at school. ^_^

Daily attendance, it's a must, people!

Daily attendance, it’s a must, people!

And here I am. Still living (alhamdulillah). And my other 3 companions, survived the first day. Yes, we got scolded for not sitting at the teacher’s table, since we’re still new and clueless. It’s okay friend, getting some admonishments are normal & crucial in improving ourselves. So let’s take it positively, yeah? Even teachers that I met advised me with the same point; “Get involved with other teachers. Don’t stick to your group all the time…”.

All the best for your first class ever in your teaching profession, my dear friends!

Remember that tiny little key? It has grown bigger now! *grin*

Though some of you (and in reality, most of us) do hold big keys.

You hold the key, and let’s be responsible for it. 🙂