The invisible string

tumblr_neh7r1olcr1rxx1vlo1_500

 

It was unclear

Every time I tried to run as far as I could

You reappeared in my life

You followed me everywhere I go

Like a ghost.

I wish I am as free as the birds flying on the sky

Not afraid of going anywhere I wish to

Because I believe

Deep down

That He has written something for me

My rizq, the day and place that I will surely die…

 

 

Sadly, you are holding me down

Like an invisible string

The one that I could not find to cut it away to set myself free

I told you to let me go slowly

I don’t want to be attached

Inch by inch

I received less questions

Less jokes

Less thoughts

You slowly fade away

What’s left in my mind is the memory of you.

You’re still haunting me day by day

Every single second of my life

I wish it was easier

But it is not

Because controlling these invisible things is like catching the air

It’s unseen, but you surely feel it’s presence

Though I am not in control of it

I am pretty sure that

Soon

I will be just

OKAY.

First posting in Felda Tenggaroh

23

As someone who did not travel a lot, I was not familiar with Johor state. In fact, I could even count with my own fingers on numbers of time I visited this state before. To be honest, most of my classmates in TESL from Kelantan or Terengganu requested for their own states, including me. As expected, we did not manage to get our desired locations, instead, most of the east coast people are posted to Johor.

When I checked my result on SPP, of course, I felt so nervous thinking whether I will get the chance to be a teacher or not. I was so grateful that I got posted, even not in my own state. Trying to be positive, I told myself that I need to stay out of my comfort zone and take it as a challenge by living in a new place.

johor_full_map_font_station

If you ask Johorians about the district of  Mersing, most people will think of a small town, a very remote place in the state of Johor. Well, in my case, I thought of Mersing as a nice place which located near the beach, facing the South China Sea. It would have been so wonderful to be living next to the beach. However, my idea about Mersing was not the same as the day before. I just knew that I was sent to a remote place.  I think it is worse. I was posted to a Felda (a place surrounded by palm estate). My first impression was it is a remote area, a place where you hardly even find a shop or to buy things. It took me 40 minutes to reach the school from Mersing town.

moving-out-after-divorce-7-tips-to-make-your-new-place-feel-like-home-quickly-2

As we reached the school, I was fascinated by the beautiful musolla. It is finely decorated in and out. I went to the office and met the school pricipal with other two new teachers. I was lucky that the principal had already arranged a place for us to stay. Then, we moved into the house located nearby. It was quite shocking to see that the house that we rent was empty. Totally empty, except for the sink in the kitchen. Thank God that I brought along a mattress, a pillow to put my head on, and some cutlery to be used. My housemate and I sat for hours in the living room doing nothing, thinking of our own fate being sent here. As I scrolled through Facebook and Instagram, I think we were lucky enough to have a place to stay when some of our friends were still renting at hotel.


 

1

After three months of staying and teaching in a new place, I think I can cope quite well here with my friends. We even have more furniture and things after several weeks we stayed here. To be honest, I am so thankful that I was posted here. The nature is a bit different due to different exposure and environment as compared to schools that are nearby the city or town. However, I take that as a challenge for me to utilize every single chance that I have in making them understand English and use it as much as they can. I hope I can keep this spirit until the end of my service… Hahah!

My advice to the next batch or future teachers who are about to get posted; know what you are doing. I am reminding myself as well to be prepared for any future conditions that I am about to face. Most importantly, to try our best in anything that we do. Real life is not the same as the one that you watch in Malay drama or movies… When you got back home, sitting on a nice couch, watching TV, your housemate makes a cup of coffee for you, bla, bla, bla… It’s nonsense! We (and most of the teachers) started with zero. And I told myself that I will remember the time when I lived in a tough situation. It makes you stronger, and appreciate things that you have later on.

‘Till then!

Good luck!

#teachwith ❤

Just like a butterfly

istock_000013010529_medium_623_stanley45

 

It is a cycle,

Life isn’t stagnant,

That always change,

From one to another.

 

Sometimes it can be nice,

Sometimes it can be bad,

There are times when you are at your best,

But there are also times when you are at your worst!

 

One thing I believe,

When bad things happen,

There are good things ahead,

And I’m sure it’s true.

 

Our life is like a cycle,

Just like butterflies,

First you need to be on your own,

Only then you are free to explore things.

 

The first stage is the hardest,

The second becomes easier,

The next stage becomes better,

While the last is the best!

 

Just like a butterfly,

First you’re just an egg and stays in a place,

Next you’re a crawling caterpillar,

Then imprisoned in chrysalis to find strength.

 

 

Moving out slowly and carefully,

Trying to break the pupa and see the world,

Finally flying out freely,

Elegantly, happily!

 

Moving wings as far as you could,

Sucking honey from diverse types of flowers,

See a different new world,

And most importantly, you’re imprisoned!

 

You’re just free…

 

tumblr_lwc7th6sq91qeqwjio1_400

Thinking of the unknown…

I haven’t been writing for quite some time… But I do write a lot on papers for my own reference… 🙂 It’s kind of fun actually to reread your previous thoughts about life from your own journal! Then you will see how much you have grown up, maturely. The way we response towards things that happen in our life would be more different, we tend (and should) be more rational in our actions. Hence, I always tell myself to have some time to think before I react towards any situations. Sometimes, when I have conflicts in life, I tend to sit alone and rarely let it out, except with people that are close to me. I prefer to sit and think about something, the pros and cons before I make a decision. Well, I am a type of person who has difficulties in making immediate decisions…

Man, you’re waaaay too confident!


Now let’s talk about random stuffs about life, shall we? 😀

In my previous post, I used to write something related to graduated students’ ‘culture’. You know, the marriage thingy. I always observe, read comments, confessions, and people’s responses towards marriage- though they are married or not. Sometimes we tend to judge marriage wrongly. I also do not really understand why people can have bad thoughts about marriage. Yeah, it could be due to so many news and stories being told on bad marriages such as abuse, the difficulties of becoming a wife, having ‘bad’ spouse, no chemistry, the burden of becoming a housewife, and the list goes on and on… It won’t stop there.

*Loading…*

Well, this is life, people. We live to share, and adapt. We cannot solely change a person into somebody that we really want, or changing someone the same as you are… We’re humans, not robots that you can eaaasily change the settings as in the Real Steel’s movie… Yes, the future is unpredictable. Most of the time, a person that we just met does not show his/her true colors yet. But you can always keep praying (and hoping) that you will meet good people in your life, though sometimes you’re going to have bad times with certain people, take that as a part of life journey and take it as a lesson. And keep reflecting every single day. Based on my experience, time heals, and you tend to make a better decision when you are at peace. So chill out, and don’t easily freak out when things happen unexpectedly.

I remembered one time when I wanted to go back to my hometown… I’ve checked my ticket two days before and I supposed to be at the terminal before 10 am. So I reached there with Unni at 9 am. Just nice… But then I thought that my bus departed at 10.30.

Now here comes the problem. I did not check my ticket… until it was 10.15 am. I went down to Gate 10 and waited for my bus. Nobody was there. I felt weird. It should be more than 1 passenger from this terminal, it can’t be only me! So I took out my ticket and… I was speechless. I was 15 minutes late and angry with myself at that moment. I thought for a while on my very bad ‘luck’ on that morning… I questioned myself; “How could this happen? WHY NOW???!”. But then, as I think again, there must be reasons behind that. I couldn’t whine no more…

So I went upstairs and bought another ticket at the counter, and the bus departed at 11 am. Alhamdulillah, I still reached home safely that evening. The thing is that we can solve things as long as we keep looking for alternatives, keep moving rather than thinking too much about the problem (which is not really good). I admit, sometimes I do have anxiety problems. At times, we have those days that we cannot really think rationally. We need a company who can advice and listen to us… But once in a while, you need to decide on your own and stand on your own feet. That is life, and it’s never too easy. 😉

🙂

Split personality

#throwback


7th April, 2015

Today, I learned a lot about the personality of a person. I understand that a person will not show his/her true ‘face’ to a stranger. I saw this in 9Gag post, a kind of saying by the Japanese people.

This is what I meant to say. Heh

And I think it is kind of true… Especially for a teacher like me. I think I only see the first face. Most of the time we judge our students; saying our students are like this and like that, putting labels, worrying so much that they will not be interested to learn in our class. Then, I start to realize today that each person has his or her own ability in certain things. You cannot force someone to do things that they do not want to.

A cliche final year trend …?

It is less than 2 weeks before we end our final semester here, in this campus, and at the school. I always reflect again, and again on things that I have learned, every single change that I feel and see, and every single person that surrounds me.

Looking at what we have achieved, inshaallah we’ll be graduating by the end of this year.

Photo by: Umarmita

It’s a kind of cliche- most final year students would end their study by giving wedding invitations, and I received three from my Facebook account. It’s not that I  am jealous or what not, but I really know that some of us have different paths in life. Not everyone has the chance to get married during their 20’s. I am not saying that I want to be an andartu (anak dara tua), but the time will come, soon. Sometimes I might get bored talking about the marriage thingy, and people getting worried about not finding the ‘perfect one’ yet.

Photo from Tumblr

Last Sunday, I attended an interview workshop and got an inspiring sharing moment with a Proton’s senior advisor, Puan Norwani. I still remembered her advice regarding to our future life;

…rizq (wealth), death, and your soul mates are all under His supervision. He rewards you with all of those things. All you need to do is work hard towards it. Then you pray and leave the rest to Allah (tawakkal). What makes people stressed out is when they want to do His job- determining the future. You just have to do your work as what human are told to do; to worship Him, do your best and leave the rest to Him.

I started to realize that I always getting nervous all the time during last semester. No kidding- my life was a total mess on last semester. There was once when I cycled from the kuliyyah to my mahallah (hostel), never stopped thinking about my research paper and other assignments. I worried too much that I finally fell down very hard on the ground while cycling home. I was unfocused. Luckily I went back to my hometown that night. Starting from that moment, I told myself to calm down, getting myself back on track and not to worry so much. I needed a company, and couldn’t be alone. Being home and talking to someone who truly understands you is like a therapy. And most importantly, I am telling myself that I have to be totally conscious of every single thing that I do in my life, to relate everything to Him. My life is not all about me, it’s about worshiping Him.

Most of us do things because everyone does it. I do not want to be that kind of person. I want to do things because I know that I should do that, and it is my obligation to do certain things. Marriage is one of the important events in life. It’s not just an event, it’s a commitment.

I realize how beautiful this religion is that every single life event or activity is guided by Him. You do something for a reason. You do not simply get married only because you are getting attracted to somebody’s physical traits or personality, but it has to be more than that. You need to have a stronger base. (Well now we’re talking about vision and mission in life! Of course you need those things in life~). For instance, you are looking forward to build better generation in the future, so you start with yourself, work together with your spouse, build a family whom will contribute to the society. To be honest, it is not that simple. It has to start within yourself, when you are still a single lady/man.

So people, let’s keep workin’ on ourselves! ❤

No matter what future you decide to have, I know everyone has his/her own stories… 😉

tumblr_n6cdqrmodi1sg3qr6o1_500

😉

I guess I need to explore a lot of things on my own, when I am still a single lady… I’m waaaaaaaaaay too curious! :p

Approaching the end of final practicum

I just got back from my hometown, and still feeling homesick. Yes, we do feel the same way as we were in our first year of foundation. Home is where your heart belongs to. 😉

Another month to go for our practicum. 2 weeks are going to be the examination weeks, so no lesson plans for a few weeks! *phew!*

However, we have another problem here, while approaching to the end of our practicum- we start to feel a bit more lazier, and have lack of ideas for teaching our students. Most of the time, the lessons would be impromptu. Most of our plans did not work, instead, it went another way around. That solely depends on the situations of the classroom, the students, and the atmosphere. And as a teacher, you have to think quickYes, you have to…

Last week was a hectic one. Hence, a lot of teacher were not in the class. When I went into the form 1 class at 12.25 pm to start the literature lesson, most of my students were sleeping, looking so tired and demotivated.

“Ala teacher, we are so tired! We’ve been waiting since 10 am… We feel so sleepy teacher…”, a male student started to complain.

I said that I did not know that no teachers entered their class. I would’ve done so if they told me earlier.

“See? I’ve told you to call the teacher just now so that we can go back earlier…”, the same boy make another sigh.

I just watch the conversation and students keep whining over and over again.

So I decided to ask everyone to stand up. Another complain from the same boy;

“Ala teacher… not the same trick again! I know that you want us to do the ‘stand up and sit’ again…”

I said; “No. I am giving you this literature book. Still remember about our previous lesson about ‘Sad I Ams’ poem? Anyone of you that can answer the questions that I ask will get the chance to sit down. You can find the answers from the book. So if you want to answer my questions, just raise up your hand and answer correctly. Only then you can sit down.”

Another loud sigh of ‘Ala….’ coming out from my students’  mouth. But still, I had to bear  with them. I didn’t want to have a lecture and let the students sleep. That’s the last thing I would’ve wished for!

It’s a lucky day as all of them participated. I wrote down the points that they read based on the questions I asked about themes, moral values, and literary elements in the poem from the book. Lastly, I asked them to copy all the notes on the whiteboard into their literature notebook.

So, you won’t necessarily fail if you fail to plan, aren’t you?

Because future is something unpredictable… And you just have to make sure that the situation is under control.

Good luck! 😉

Bonus: Nah, belanja gambar favourite hari sukan 😀

DSCN1882

DSCN2009

DSCN1983

DSCN1923

DSCN1922

DSCN1919

DSCN1904

The painful sad truth

Sometimes people hate the truth, and sometimes people like it. In my case, I like the truth at this moment. I prefer to tell the truth to the people that are supposed to know about it. I just can’t… I have not enough courage to express my feelings and my thoughts. Am I a coward?

I always have trouble in telling what I really feel. I am afraid of perceptions. I want to take good care of my image. I’d rather be invisible from people’s sights… I prefer those who can really see, to see me. I do not want those who cannot really see me, to look at me and understand me in a wrong way.

In reality, people don’t really understand you. They will never be in your shoes. Unless, it is the one who you tell all your dirty little secrets. And I still couldn’t found one. I wish I have someone to tell every single problem, and thought that I have, and that person is willing to be a good listener. I am not saying that I’m tired of becoming a listener… But sometimes, I just want to be… heard of…

This simple poem entitled “Sad I Ams” by Trevor Millum can really be understandable by me. It makes sense to me… In my context now. I guess, being a writer is so much fun than being a lecturer or motivator, any kind of people who need to speak. Through writing, I can express things that I want to without getting any feedback. All people do is read, and think. I guess I really am, an intrinsic people… I just have no idea how to put my thoughts into words! I guess I have no talent in speaking or persuading people.

Well, I just don’t know. I love writing ever since I was in my teenage life. I don’t know how to share or express my feelings. I’m too noob for that, I guess… So if I’m writing something for you, believe me, it comes straight from my heart. 🙂

To end this entry, I think this article might helps;

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-the-Truth-when-It-Hurts

Hope I’ll find the truth at the end of the tunnel!

Final year reflection (Part 1)

#Repost from the draft. Dah jadi pekasam dah. LOL.

I am currently having my semester break. It’s a short one, just for a month. I am freaking out for next week’s practicum. We need to register and proceed with the teaching practice! It’s time to put all the theories into practice, people! Well, that is not so simple. You’ve got to be well-prepared before you can teach. But, as what my friend used to ‘said’ in a whatsapp conversation; “Since we are still in the teaching practice, so it is still considered as learning, isn’t it? It’s just that we don’t need to go to classes anymore.”  As for me, making mistakes is okay, because you are still in the process of learning, but since you are about to have REAL students (this is no longer a normal lecture presentation), you need to be as perfect as possible, make the learning meaningful and purposeful. Your supervisor might give positive or negative feedback and comments based on your teaching style or classroom management. But one thing that you need to remember is never EVER give up. This was what my ‘Teaching Grammar for secondary schools’ lecturer said. You are facing students with ‘weird’ behaviors. Students nowadays are not the same as during our era, seriously. They are acting differently, and might have known things more than you do.

As I was travelling from Kuala Lumpur back to Terengganu, I thought of things that I worried about; my practicum. I’ve started to feel guilty for things that I’ve missed throughout my 3 and a half year studying in campus. So here, I’m sharing this so that you won’t go through the same ‘guiltiness’ as I do. 😉

List of things that I regret on my final year (Before the final semester):

  • I don’t know much.
  • I don’t read a lot (I am too lazy to walk to the library, or even to read books related to my course).
  • I did not practice what I have learned consistently.
  • I didn’t really know people around me; my friends, classmates, roommates, and lecturers.
  • I wasn’t so active in social work (clubs especially. But I did join students’ association which I am so grateful of those experiences & meeting  and working with awesome people around me 🙂 )
  • I did not stay long at school during my School Orientation Programme (SOP). We were supposed to complete a month of practicum at school, observing as well as completing reports. My colleague asked for the lecturers to cut it down for 2 weeks only. I was too excited to stop going to school in which I think there’s no problem for me to stay any longer.

Yes I do

Yeah… Let’s move forward!

Day 1

I tried to sleep early last night, but I couldn’t. I thought too much -what’s going to happen on my first day of practicum? I’ve ironed my baju kurung and hijab, prepared all the documentations, shoes & handbag-all things were ready. But I wasn’t prepared mentally (Well, I always won’t.LOL).

vlcsnap-2014-12-25-21h12m38s126

So I woke up the next day, with my two other room mates, who seemed to be having the teaching practicum in the same school with me. Lucky us, another friend drove a car, so we’re able to reach the school earlier. Madam Sharifah advised us to register after 8am since teachers and students will be having an assembly on the first day. You don’t want to stay in the office, waiting, don’t you? 😉 But another friend of mine had a different situation. She got scolded for coming to school at 7.30 a.m. The senior assistant teacher expected her to come on time right on the first day! So here, it depends on the school. Some people called the school’s office and asked for the details a week before they registered. As for my school mates and I, redah je! So long as you have the documentation (official letter from the university). This is so crucial, okay?

We parked the car next to the school gate, walked into the school compound and looked for the main office. Alhamdulillah, everything went smoothly (since the senior assistant teacher was still new to the school, she just got transferred). We felt so welcomed, most of the teachers gave us a warm smile, asking whether we were new teachers at the school. Most of the English teachers got excited as four TESL students (who will be teaching English language) came into their school and might take away 2 classes (or maybe 1 class from each teacher). Since there were 4 of us, we were divided into 2 different sessions. Alya & I will be having the morning session of the school (7.20 am-2 pm), while another 2, Hazirah unni & Fatin are about to teach the evening session (12.50pm-6.45 pm). In  total, we need to stay at school for 6 hours. Yes. Better than going to classes, isn’t it? At least you’ll be having a more productive day. Hehhe.

A teacher led us to the teachers’ room, and asked us to seat at the leisure area, a place where teachers have their meal, student answering exam paper, and parents waiting for the registration of their children. The school has two different streams; KAA (Kelas Aliran Arab) & KRK (Kelas Rancangan Khas). KAA means students are provided to learn the Arabic language in addition to other subjects. As for KRK students, they only learn normal subjects as other form 1-3 students do. Yes, you need to know the differences & the system of a particular school. Pretty please, ask around, talk to the teachers, or read school magazine. You may also get the school organization’s book and understand the rules of the school. It does helps so that you won’t go against the ‘culture’ or rules of the school itself, and might get scolded (of course you don’t want that). As for me, I am so grateful as I have my course mates to accompany me here and we can seek for each others’ help when one of us is in trouble. Personally, I do not prefer staying alone in a school. SOP’s (School Orientation Programme) experiences had taught me a lot on being independent in a school. Though I did my first practicum in my own secondary school, it’s still so hard to suit yourself to the environment and teachers, who mostly are super super seniors! Haha. You may take my advice or leave it, but I think, being in a group is much better. You’ll be more conscious of what you have to do.

Then, teacher Zuraida gave us our own classroom timetable. All of us got 2 classes, which includes 10 teaching periods per week (5 teaching periods per class). Most of us received form 1 & form 4 classes. However, there are certain cases that they need to teach classes that will seat for PT3 and SPM by the end of this year. So, you cannot be so choosy and just be ready for any future outcomes. Ergh. Sounds quite tough for first-timers like us, but… take it as a challenge yeah?

The timetable (for a time being...)

The timetable (for a time being…)

So I got two teachers as my mentors; teacher Lin (the head of English Department)  & teacher Aisya (which is about to move to another school by next week. *sigh* Why now?).

So here’s how English teachers in my school work; there will be 5 teaching periods, right? So it will be divided into 2TP+1TP+2TP.

Here’s the sequence on how they teach the upper form;

2 teaching periods : Comprehension or summary

1 teaching period : Literature

2 teaching periods : Essay

You might start to wonder; “When’s the time that the students learn grammar? Oh no!”

No worries, we just need to integrate grammar with any of the lessons (writing, reading, etc. *Opens notes*)

Yes, just keep reminding on the grammar structures okay?

IMG-20150202-WA0000

Collections of form 1 and form 4 literature components. They seem to be more interesting than during my time… I hope my students read ALL of them. No, don’t just hope. I won’t even read if I’m a student. Somebody got to push me to read. Muehehe

One of my favourite short plays- The Robbery! A funny story of robbers. I laughed a lot while reading this :D

One of my favourite short plays- The Robbery! A funny story of robbers. I laughed a lot while reading this 😀

As for the lower forms, the sequence is just the same. It’s just that they do not have summary as part of their lesson. In fact, they have error analysis in PT3! Yes they do! Just like what we did in our Grammar classes during foundation and degree! *bhahahah!!* Hence, you can replace the summary with teaching grammar, okay? At least they are clear with the rules and have a strong foundation in English, rather than confidently speaking, with wrong grammar… (Oh no, that’s quite shameful).

Teacher Aisyah said my form 1 class would be quite challenging. The boys are quite lazy, and the girls are quite shy. However, don’t underestimate them! Once they open their mouth & start talking, you’ll be amazed with their voice projection. 😀 As for the form 4 class, teacher Lin loves them, because they are good students. I don’t put any estimation, since I haven’t met them face to face yet. I hope they will learn something from me, or teach me something, and cooperate with me. 🙂

It’s funny when you walk around the corridor and heard students whispering to their friends; “Wei, cikgu baru, cikgu baru!”, which I used to do it before, during my time. 😀 Reminiscing my days at school. ^_^

Daily attendance, it's a must, people!

Daily attendance, it’s a must, people!

And here I am. Still living (alhamdulillah). And my other 3 companions, survived the first day. Yes, we got scolded for not sitting at the teacher’s table, since we’re still new and clueless. It’s okay friend, getting some admonishments are normal & crucial in improving ourselves. So let’s take it positively, yeah? Even teachers that I met advised me with the same point; “Get involved with other teachers. Don’t stick to your group all the time…”.

All the best for your first class ever in your teaching profession, my dear friends!

Remember that tiny little key? It has grown bigger now! *grin*

Though some of you (and in reality, most of us) do hold big keys.

You hold the key, and let’s be responsible for it. 🙂