Have you ever feel really bad because someone that you expected to reply to your messages never replied to you? That is how I feel right now when I am looking for answers in life, when I haven’t received any replies or answers to all my questions.
The questions are so simple:
- Who do I want to be?
- What should I be?
- How can I be a better person?
- Where am I going?
- When should I start changing myself?
- Do I really need to change?
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The final question is the toughest one. Sometimes and most of the times you don’t get an instant reply on things that are not doing right. You have to ask yourself these questions and analyze your daily routines. Sometimes I tend to get messed up with my emotions. Well, that could be due to so many reasons; hormonal, busy daily schedule, or stress. Since I started my working life, I have the tendency to ignore my spiritual needs. Well, I do perform my daily prayers, I fast on Ramadhan… But sometimes I tend to feel something is missing. As if your life is incomplete. There is something inside you that yearn for something extra. It needs additional attention than usual.
Back then, when faced such internal conflict, I tend to write in my personal journal. I just write down any sadness, dissatisfaction, or stressful events that’s happening in my life. I did not have to worry because no one is reading my journal (hopefully). I was being truthful to myself, and started to identify what was wrong with me. From here, I came out with some intervention plans. Things that I think are practical and previously worked on me, which might also helps in the future. I tried, and it really went out well. I was happier than before. I felt that my life journey was smoother and all the burdens were taken away from me.
My senior used to tell me this most useful advise;
“If you feel that there is something wrong with your life, and you start to feel uneasy, try to check on things that you usually do, in which you have not done it anymore at this moment”
That is the best thing I have ever heard! I reevaluate myself, and checked on my ibadah. Perhaps I haven’t been reciting al-ma’thurat quite a while. It is quite challenging for me to start doing that small habit again since I am ‘busier’ as compared to my life as a student. But the truth is… it is all depends on your determination. I am quite disappointed sometimes when I am not able to do something, even the smallest deeds constantly (or we call it as istiqamah). To maintain the consistency is part of our jihad in going against our nafs.
I am glad that I finally wrote this. I am thinking of having a formal learning on Islamic knowledge. You know, in a systematic way…. I am always inspired by some celebrities in their journey in finding their own spiritual paths in life. It is good to see how much people change through knowledge, and having a pure understanding about something is a miraculous thing as you can finally change your perspective in life! I wish to find that better perspective… I had my degree, I have a nice job. I could say that I have everything that I have ever wished for since my childhood life. I just need to find the REAL thing now. Who am I going to be in the next few years? What can I do to help others?
But most importantly, what can I do to please my Creator?
Questions left unanswered, but I won’t give up.
May Allah ease your path and my path in this journey.